I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
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I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
asked my bf how work was today
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)