Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

My dream car is a taco truck.

Pretty much! 😂👀

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.