“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
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My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Dolls on drugs
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”