“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
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DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There鈥檚 other people in line, you know.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Don’t we all.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you鈥檙e 6 so we can board the flight early.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn鈥檛 offed at a Hallowe鈥檈n party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don鈥檛 cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 馃憖
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn鈥檛 going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….