“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

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I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob


BOSS: can i ask u a question

ME: you just did

BOSS: wh–

ME: because that was a question


ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.

BOSS: why are u in the fish tank


This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it’s married.. so it’ll just get drunk.


Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people


Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know


Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.


[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking