@TheBoydP

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

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@Christweetpher_

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

@RunOldMan

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

@Skoog

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

@AtticusFinch79

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

@BlindChow

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

@electrolemon

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

@TheBoydP

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

@CornOnTheGoblin

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!