@Christweetpher_
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
@TheBoydP
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
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@Christweetpher_
@RunOldMan
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
@Skoog
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
@AtticusFinch79
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
@BlindChow
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
@electrolemon
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
@Bob_Janke
thank god
@TheBoydP
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
@CornOnTheGoblin
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
@hergoodness
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.