“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
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Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
who wore it better?
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.