@UnluckyBrian Makes eye contact with female. Medusa.
@TheBoydP “I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
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@UnluckyBrian 
@omgthatspunny 
@Jessberrie I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob
@jazz_inmypants BOSS: can i ask u a question
ME: you just did
BOSS: wh–
ME: because that was a question
BOSS:
ME: when you said “can i ask u a question.” that was a question.
BOSS: why are u in the fish tank
@LeannaZaiden This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it’s married.. so it’ll just get drunk.
@GroovyTasia Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
@T_Bonezzz_ How do German people not choke to death when they talk
@ThugRaccoons Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
@simoncholland Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
@ArfMeasures [Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking