“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
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[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Whisper out to librarians!
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”