♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
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he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”