I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
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When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Ah..makes sense now
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter