Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

What a chick magnet..

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

starting a garage orchestra

expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls