I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁