Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

What?

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come