I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?