I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
A comic by Dan Piraro
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex