I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
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“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?