Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

Dammit Chief not again

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

shakira sharkira

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa