I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
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her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”
So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”
Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?
3 yo: No, thanks.
🤦🏻♀️
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Tremendous stuff
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?