Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle