I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
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Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep