Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

couldn’t resist

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

My wife gives the best headache.

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?