Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

How many? 🤔

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

🤣

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking