I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
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Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Windows
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg