I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
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40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”