“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
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[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
*mops up wine with cat*
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.