Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

😂😂

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

you gotta be faster

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.