“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*


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i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.


Btw it’s the year of the pig – not pork or bacon. Pork is the meat, and bacon is a thin strip of pork from specific area of the pig. Also, there can be other types of bacon, like turkey or Kevin.


[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…


A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally


Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.


When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.


[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!


I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.


Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*