“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
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Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Me irl
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.