“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
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Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Still my favourite meme.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.