Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

LMFAOOOO

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine