I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
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Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”