I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
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Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Midwest trash talk
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.