I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
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UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?