Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

💀🤣

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

This kid is a star!

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario