Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

Not helping

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.