I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
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My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination