Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

💀💀

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

This is a whole mood;

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.