I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
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Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?