Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.