Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball