I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
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If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
happy valentine’s day to me
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I’m giving up for Lent.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.