@ADDiane

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

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@karanbirtinna

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

@GinAndJif

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

@Gupton68

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

@_elvishpresley_

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

@seamussaid

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

@EvanSilliams

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

@juliussharpe

Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.

@fro_vo

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus