I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
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I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.