@ADDiane

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

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@funnyfries

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

@slimmy_shady

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

@TheBoydP

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

@Ah_kee_oh

No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.

@sofarrsogud

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

@That_Damn_Duck

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

@girlontapas

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

@mdob11

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

@Underchilde

Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.