I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

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I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.


23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List


I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.


No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.


ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.


People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.


They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.


[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.


Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.