I have two kinds of followers
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Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My favorite farside!!
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
look scared
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]