Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.