I have two kinds of followers
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Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring