Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

2022 will be better than 2021

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”