Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.