I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
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[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I have never heard an armadillo before.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.