Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”