Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

it must be school picture day

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying