Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”