I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
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I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.