Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

found this cool rock hiking today

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.