I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
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got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Current mood: Potato
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.