I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
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I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.