Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

How do I get a job writing these texts

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know