I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
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Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.