Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

me: my friends:

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.