I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
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ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Hank is one in a melon.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*