Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.