I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
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Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
This 4th of July, please remember…
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*