I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
You Might Also Like
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
car not found
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
(by @ZachWeiner )
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.