Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad