I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
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hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Genius idea!!
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
