Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.