Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

Well, this explains it:

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.