I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
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Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I hope it’s French Onion!
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I identify as an antique shop.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
motivation
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.