I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
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BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
👍
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Good morning.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it