Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza”

“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”

“No.”

“Playing hard to get who?”

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

My plans: 2020: