Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family