Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

😊🦆

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}