I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
You Might Also Like
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.