Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

Brilliant!

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother