Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

#math

This made me chuckle.

In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.

The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:

The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.

Me: OK

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

🛁

I’ve been doing dry January, but it’s literally just been my lips and skin

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers