Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

I feel like one of these would kill a European

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.