I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
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I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
✨☝️✨
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*