I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
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*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
But is it really??
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.