I have written yet another poem about laundry
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This meeting could have been a pajama party.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
yeah 😭
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.