Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”