I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
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So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
He wanted to make sure😂
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.